I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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