no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
