I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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