Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Are we still banned from the library?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
