I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
