I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
