Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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