what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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