dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
