I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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