I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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