did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
