Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
