3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
