He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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