why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
