I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
