I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
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