she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
