Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He had one of those small greek statue penises
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
