is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
