If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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