i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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