I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
