I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
