I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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