I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
