hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
