I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
