I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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