I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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