dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
