So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I have tasted many bathrooms
and eventually we just all took our pants off
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
