He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
