So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
