Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
