shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
