Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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