she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
