upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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