The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
