A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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