ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm at about main and main street
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
