During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
