The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
