There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
