walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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