How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
