don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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