apparently the secret to your success is patron
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
