Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
